I now understand why retired people eat dinner so early.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) March 26, 2020
I’m rly afraid I’m going to learn something about myself during this
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) March 21, 2020
QUARANTINE SELF-DISCOVERY: I am still regularly late to things even when they don't involve traveling any physical distance
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) March 25, 2020
really glad that one month ago, I chose a neutral nail
— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) March 25, 2020
ME, 10: I want everyone to like me
ME, 20: I hope most people like me
ME, 30: I'm leaving society to go live with a family of raccoons in the forest & don't care how anyone feels about it
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) March 21, 2020
i want to check on my extroverted friends but i'm afraid they will want to talk to me
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) March 22, 2020
I might run out of toilet paper, but if anyone needs 40 plastic bags stuffed into other plastic bags, I will be the queen of this crisis.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) March 22, 2020
One thing I’ve learned so far in quarantine is that my husband refuses to microwave anything for 45 seconds, he always does 44. When I asked him why, he said, “For Obama.”
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) March 26, 2020
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
— Des ♉️ (@_chismosa_) March 26, 2020
my houseplants seeing me approach with a watering can for the second time in three days pic.twitter.com/nzglb6A407
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) March 25, 2020
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
— Addison (@addie_huneycutt) March 24, 2020
What is a "weekend"?
— Charlotte Clymer 🏳️🌈 (@cmclymer) March 27, 2020
Day 1: This'll be fantastic. I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
Day 8: Engages in conversation with a lamp.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) March 27, 2020
s/o to all the genuine introverts who still aren't showing up even when all the social engagements have moved online
— Bree Newsome Bass (@BreeNewsome) March 25, 2020
pre-isolation: ah there's a bug in here kill it!!!
now: hello Kendra the bug welcome to our home may we interest you in a glass of wine
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) March 22, 2020
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn't do that now. Coronavirus.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) March 27, 2020
Me in 2019: If I could just have like a week with nothing to do and nowhere to go I could finally get this house clean and organized.
Me now: Nope, that wasn't the problem....
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) March 24, 2020
me fighting every urge in my body telling me to eat a second lunch pic.twitter.com/5cBZ89alzn
— ziwe (@ziwe) March 22, 2020
during isolation it’s important to have a variety of activities. Sometimes I read twitter on my phone; other times, my laptop. It’s all about balance.
— Olivia Munk (@oliviammunk) March 25, 2020
Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.
Preview photo credit: cmclymer / twitter.com