Does learning Tik Tok dances count as cardio? Asking for me.
— Camilla Blackett (@camillard) February 5, 2020
I think about how my Gen X friends once had to order takeout by calling the place and I admire their bravery.
— feminist next door (@emrazz) February 2, 2020
[Cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: slow cook it faster
— That Pesky Prostitüt™ (@LittleMissAngr1) February 4, 2020
great news i officially had so much coffee that i am vibrating at a pitch only dogs can hear
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) February 3, 2020
My mom bought a new car and my sister who teaches third grade let her kids suggest names for it for fun. They asked what color the car was -- gray. Here are their suggestions:
-Rainbow the Sad Sad Car
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) February 5, 2020
Friend: I need some advice
Me with olives on all of my fingers: You’ve come to the right place
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) February 2, 2020
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 6, 2020
looking at my to do list from last week pic.twitter.com/YMHCtBDdEc
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) February 3, 2020
I know caucuses can be a bit confusing to non-Americans, so here’s how they work: first they gather up a great pile of stones, then everyone in town arrives, then the families take a piece of paper from the black box, and if you pull a paper with a black spot you get sacrificed
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) February 4, 2020
It’s fun getting room service. I just love eating a $19 hamburger at a desk in front of a mirror.
— Sarah Sweeney (@heysarahsweeney) February 2, 2020
Being prettier than me? That's one thing. But being prettier than me and also more talented and successful??????? I simply cannot abide it
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) February 6, 2020
If someone doesn’t explain the difference between au gratin and scalloped potatoes to me rn I am going to lose my mind
— ghost mom (@radtoria) February 4, 2020
There’s no sentence in the English language scarier than “time for an icebreaker game!”
— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) February 3, 2020
I fly to New York tomorrow night for a visit. Can’t wait to assume my true form pic.twitter.com/kPDjumnn7I
— Alanna Bennett (Heir to Genovia) (@AlannaBennett) February 5, 2020
Me: Ok, I just need to remember my bank account and routing number to set up this draft.
My Brain: The kid in Hocus Pocus is also the same one who was in that old show called Eerie Indiana. His name is Omri Katz. Hope that helps. K bye.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) February 4, 2020
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say "we should hang!"
2. Do not hang.
3. Say "we should hang!" 6 months later.
6. Respect their cancelation.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say "we should do this more often!"
— Emily McKenna Winter (@EmilyMcWinter) February 5, 2020
Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.
Preview photo credit: kelllicopter / twitter.com