I’m like a chicken nugget: tough on the outside, soft on the inside, a hit with the children, often found at Costco
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) August 31, 2020
Whoever hashed a brown. Boy you deserve an award!
— DeeThaDon 🖇 (@Superiordara) August 30, 2020
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
— Sophia Cadogan (@sophiacadogan) September 2, 2020
today is not sept 1st it is march 184th
— mars (@mariumqaz) September 1, 2020
the only thing more embarrassing than my browser history is my calculator history
— Living Morganism 🌱 (@ok_girlfriend) August 30, 2020
I miss going on a date with a man and watching the light in his eyes disappear when he realizes that I’m funnier than him.
— Ncuti’s Quads (@MarqRobinson) August 31, 2020
[first day as a Dominatrix]
Me: "Oooop sorry!!! Did that hurt?"
— krispy 🌮 (@KrispyTacoBelle) August 29, 2020
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these. pic.twitter.com/yOAdEt7C0Y
— Bad Example™️ (@mozarellaastick) August 30, 2020
I don’t want to exercise. I want to have exercised.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) August 31, 2020
Thinking about the time that I said that I was distantly related to Marie Curie and a guy explained “It’s pronounced Mariah Carey”
— Eileen Mary O’Connell (@i_Lean) September 1, 2020
When you try to use your religion to justify your hatred and bigotry that’s called amensplaining.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) August 31, 2020
Saying ohhhhhhhhhh when you still don't understand>>>>
— Jannat (@hashjenni) September 1, 2020
You ever find your soulmate, but he has a stupid beard and you're like "Oh well, that's that."
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) September 2, 2020
big news!!!! just got a lovely email from a guy I think was trying to liken me to 18th century philosopher Immanuel Kant but he must be really bad at spelling and capitalizing
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) September 3, 2020
Accidentally just replied to a boy I fancy off my HAMSTERS Instagram account goodnight
— KT (@Kateleeex) September 1, 2020
I am not a scientist, so what I am about to say may sound very dumb. But I have been bitten by a ton more mosquitoes this year, and my best guess is that it is because (and forgive me if this seems obtuse) I’m sexier.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) August 30, 2020
I don't like puppies. I like old dogs who put a serious paw on your arm as if to say "The jerk I lived with before this buried a treasure map. I still remember where it is. Get your car keys."
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 2, 2020
Imagine having the confidence of the people who kept re-opening Jurassic Park like 'lol don't worry I'm sure it'll be fine this time.'
— Ella Zee 🌈👑 (@EllaZee5) September 2, 2020
being high at home is so funny I feel like a sim I started cooking then started washing dishes now I’m just standing in a corner
— ella✪ (@manicpixiewnnab) September 1, 2020
when I was little I used to be VERY scared of monsters under the bed until one night my mom finally just said, "look, the monsters you're afraid of honestly have a lot on their plates so they don't have the time to haunt you" and honestly that worked
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) August 31, 2020
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Preview photo credit: hashjenni / twitter.com