Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
Made the grievous mistake of laughing at my 5yo’s joke so now I must hear that joke repeatedly until I die.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 13, 2020
A typical cup holds about 8 ounces of liquid.
But if a child spills it, that number increases to 8 gallons.
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 13, 2020
A cool thing about being a mom is that my husband teases the kids by showing them scary things and then I’m the one who gets woken up at 3am when they have nightmares.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 16, 2020
My tween daughter is the only one among her group of friends who doesn’t have a phone. I know this because she tells me every 30 minutes.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 16, 2020
6-year-old: I'm the best!
Me: At what?
6: I haven't decided yet.
The world is hers.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 16, 2020
my toddler, yelling from the other room while I get her a snack: “I am LONELY and I want a BAGEL”
— emery lord (@emerylord) July 15, 2020
I traveled to Hawaii while pregnant with my first. I traveled to Las Vegas while pregnant with my second.
And that’s all you need to know about their personalities.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) July 15, 2020
[if I talked like my 5 year old]
Husband: Hey have you seen the spatula?
Me: No. Well yes. Cause there was a fly? And so I chased the fly but then it flew into the closet like the bad guy in Iron Man and on YouTube there was a FLYING TURTLE and my favorite turtle is Raphael and
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) July 17, 2020
I'll never forget that on this day, 2 years ago, I tried to be spontaneous and took my kids to see a sunflower field... pic.twitter.com/RyQ7hmFW8W
— jnyemb (@jnyemb) July 14, 2020
My son came and got me, saying there was a serious leak under the kitchen sink. pic.twitter.com/OEqnR1McJ6
— Tenessa Gemelke (@gemelket) July 14, 2020
Wife: I'm going to have the kids clean up their rooms
Me: Alexa play the mission impossible soundtrack
— The Dad (@thedad) July 17, 2020
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 16, 2020
Whaling, except it’s the noise I make when someone looks at my blubbery stomach and asks if I’m pregnant
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 15, 2020
miles' just said his longest sentence yet! "mommy I need you to move, please" ijhfudsfdkujodif (twitter doubles as my baby book)
— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) July 12, 2020
Me: Oh my, you drew eyebrows on your forehead in permanent marker.
5: You look surprised.
Me: So do you.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 16, 2020
My 8yo slammed the junk drawer shut, threw her hands up, and asked, “What happened to all the tape?”
YOU happened, kid.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 14, 2020
If I’m going to play with the kids in the shallow end I will also need my handstand rated and underwater swimming timed.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 13, 2020
Was racing with my 4- and 6-year-olds in the house. 6-year-old started crying and said the 4-year-old pushed him into the wall.
I actually don't know who was at fault because they were both eating my dust.
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) July 13, 2020
3yo: I need a new water cup. This one hurts me.
Me: How does it hurt you?
3: It's too drinky.
— Ohio mom of two #BLM 🏳️🌈 (@OhioMomoftwo) July 16, 2020
I really think that one day when I wasn’t paying attention my two year old daughter took one of those Master Class sessions taught by a former FBI hostage negotiator.
— Dan Pfeiffer (@danpfeiffer) July 15, 2020
Are you a sane person or do you have children?
— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) July 11, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: divergentmama / twitter.com