I miss my friends but also absolutely do not remember who they are or what they look like
— Allison O'Conor (@allisonoconor) July 1, 2020
If I were an x-ray technician, after I took the first x-ray I’d say: “ok now let’s do a goofy one.” I think people would laugh/have a good time
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) June 29, 2020
I'm in the mood to nonchalantly slice and eat an apple off the end of a dagger like a lady pirate who just won the ship in a drinking contest.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 1, 2020
i wanna listen to an audiobook where the actor is also reading it for the first time so you can hear them gasp when a plot twist happens
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) June 30, 2020
me? in a open relationship? i’d rather boil one grain of rice at a time
— franglish stan (@tabithalovex) July 1, 2020
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn't at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 2, 2020
goodreads should have an option between “Currently Reading” and “Read” for when you abandon a book, called “I Tried. Fuck, Man, I Really Tried.”
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) July 1, 2020
I think I speak for many cis women when I say that our actual greatest locker-room fear is getting stuck in our sweaty sports bra with no one around to help free us
— andi zeisler (@andizeisler) June 30, 2020
It should be legal to spray water on the faces of people not wearing masks like how you train dogs to get off your furniture.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) July 1, 2020
I do NOT, and I cannot stress this enough, have the ability to stress things enough!
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) June 29, 2020
my sister was like “I get traumatized by looking at you every day because you’re so ugly and I look exactly you and I get reminded of how ugly I am” and my mom, without missing a beat, goes “imagine how I feel looking at you two everyday”
— Abby Govindan (@abbygov) July 1, 2020
ms. frizzle be like “I know a spot” and then takes you inside jake’s esophagus
— Audrey Lipsmire (@AudreysParty) June 30, 2020
My mother dug a well in a third world country with her bare hands so that her family could have a place to bathe and wash clothes
...and I am too lazy to delete apps off my phone because then I would have to rearrange them
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) June 30, 2020
So who else is still smiling at people, dogs and babies from behind a mask like a fool?
— Tressie McMillan Cottom (@tressiemcphd) July 1, 2020
You can’t expect to be successful if you spend all day scrolling Twitter on your phone. At some point you need to get your sh*t together and scroll Twitter on your laptop
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) June 30, 2020
I got me some lights to improve the quality of my zoom. Once I learn how to comb my hair, apply make up, sit up straight and look properly into the camera, its over for you hoes!
— roxane gay (@rgay) July 1, 2020
Got a call from a comedy club where I apparently left my joke book pre-pandemic. To confirm it was mine the woman on the phone read back some of the jokes. It was mortifying because I definitely wrote them
— Atsuko Okatsuka (@AtsukoComedy) June 28, 2020
When I have been at a party for 20-30 minutes pic.twitter.com/oNhRtfxwLA
— Sabina (@sabinameschke) July 1, 2020
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Preview photo credit: sabinameschke / twitter.com