Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by your children
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) August 23, 2020
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 27, 2020
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
— The Mommy Memeoirs (@mommymemeoirs) August 27, 2020
I think I missed the chapter in the parenting books where it said that I would one day have to patiently wait for a stuffed monkey to take a pretend pee while I was running late.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) August 27, 2020
A "Scared Straight" program but for people thinking of becoming parents, where they have to wake teenagers up for school.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 25, 2020
What wine pairs well with Common Core math?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 24, 2020
My kids look like angels when they’re sleeping, and then they wake up and ransack the whole place like raccoons
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 28, 2020
72% of parenting is trying to distract your kid until they forget about their latest bullsh*t ailment: "Oh, I'm sorry your left earlobe stings every time you sneeze, want a cheese stick?"
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 26, 2020
The four-year-old just wandered in and explained how the world is made of atoms, and not sandwiches as he’d first thought
— Victoria Richards (@nakedvix) August 25, 2020
Hearing your kid make the mistake of back-talking their mother from the safety of another room pic.twitter.com/izZxcOTV0e
— The Dad (@thedad) August 24, 2020
THE BABY ONLY SLEEPS WHEN YOU MOVE, and other stories
By Kwame Mbalia
— Kwame Mbalia (@KSekouM) August 25, 2020
Who are these people who can just come up with fun activities for little kids? It’s a legit talent. When I’m left to my own devices, I’m like:
“Uhhh...here’s some limp celery from the fridge and a road map. Go pretend to be pirates.”
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) August 24, 2020
I kinda fu*ked up my merge and I'm currently getting roasted by a 3 year old in a car seat how are you
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) August 27, 2020
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence.......
— Ursula. (@LeciJ_) August 27, 2020
Parenting, where one minute you feel like you’ll explode from how much you love them and the next you’re screaming at them to stop ice skating on their own pee.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 26, 2020
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) August 24, 2020
25 years ago, a girl in my class called me a bit*h and made me cry. I just told my mom I made plans to have lunch with this person and she says, “Oh, you’re hanging out with HER? I never liked her. DON’T tell her I say hi.”
No one holds a grudge better than a mom.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 23, 2020
MY KID: [all day long] daddy, i’m bored. i’m bored, daddy. i’m bored. daddy, i’m bored.
MY KID: [at bedtime] oh heavens no, father, i couldn’t possibly retire to bed at this hour with so much left to do
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 25, 2020
My 3rd grader’s class is playing Boggle on Zoom. A girl called out a word I couldn’t hear, then said, “As in ‘human flesh,’” and now I’m frantically searching the screen for what her word is.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 24, 2020
Me: “Since I’m working from home, I’m going to get up before the kids to be more productive.”
*wakes up at 5am*
Kids at 5:02am: pic.twitter.com/fePM6tVsqu
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: mommajessiec / twitter.com