Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.

#1

raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by your children

— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) August 23, 2020

#2

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 27, 2020

#3

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

— The Mommy Memeoirs (@mommymemeoirs) August 27, 2020

#4

I think I missed the chapter in the parenting books where it said that I would one day have to patiently wait for a stuffed monkey to take a pretend pee while I was running late.

— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) August 27, 2020

#5

A "Scared Straight" program but for people thinking of becoming parents, where they have to wake teenagers up for school.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 25, 2020

#6

What wine pairs well with Common Core math?

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 24, 2020

#7

My kids look like angels when they’re sleeping, and then they wake up and ransack the whole place like raccoons

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 28, 2020

#8

72% of parenting is trying to distract your kid until they forget about their latest bullsh*t ailment: "Oh, I'm sorry your left earlobe stings every time you sneeze, want a cheese stick?"

— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 26, 2020

#9

The four-year-old just wandered in and explained how the world is made of atoms, and not sandwiches as he’d first thought

— Victoria Richards (@nakedvix) August 25, 2020

#10

Hearing your kid make the mistake of back-talking their mother from the safety of another room pic.twitter.com/izZxcOTV0e

— The Dad (@thedad) August 24, 2020

#11

THE BABY ONLY SLEEPS WHEN YOU MOVE, and other stories

By Kwame Mbalia

— Kwame Mbalia (@KSekouM) August 25, 2020

#12

Who are these people who can just come up with fun activities for little kids? It’s a legit talent. When I’m left to my own devices, I’m like:

“Uhhh...here’s some limp celery from the fridge and a road map. Go pretend to be pirates.”

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) August 24, 2020

#13

I kinda fu*ked up my merge and I'm currently getting roasted by a 3 year old in a car seat how are you

— Village Person (@SvnSxty) August 27, 2020

#14

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence.......

— Ursula. (@LeciJ_) August 27, 2020

#15

Parenting, where one minute you feel like you’ll explode from how much you love them and the next you’re screaming at them to stop ice skating on their own pee.

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 26, 2020

#16

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) August 24, 2020

#17

25 years ago, a girl in my class called me a bit*h and made me cry. I just told my mom I made plans to have lunch with this person and she says, “Oh, you’re hanging out with HER? I never liked her. DON’T tell her I say hi.”

No one holds a grudge better than a mom.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) August 23, 2020

#18

MY KID: [all day long] daddy, i’m bored. i’m bored, daddy. i’m bored. daddy, i’m bored.

MY KID: [at bedtime] oh heavens no, father, i couldn’t possibly retire to bed at this hour with so much left to do

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 25, 2020

#19

My 3rd grader’s class is playing Boggle on Zoom. A girl called out a word I couldn’t hear, then said, “As in ‘human flesh,’” and now I’m frantically searching the screen for what her word is.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 24, 2020

#20

Me: “Since I’m working from home, I’m going to get up before the kids to be more productive.”

*wakes up at 5am*

Kids at 5:02am: pic.twitter.com/fePM6tVsqu

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2020

Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.

Preview photo credit: mommajessiec / twitter.com