Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 14, 2020
I keep thinking life has hit rock bottom and then my kid's 8:15am remote school lesson is to practice and perfect Hot Cross Buns on the recorder
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 17, 2020
Just told my daughter when Patti and Gladys started releasing music and she replied wit “music was a thing back then?” I’m bout to throw her out
— Lawrence Burney (@TrueLaurels) September 14, 2020
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed...
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 13, 2020
Me: I remember when you were in my tummy you would roll and kick me so much!
4: I was in your belly??
Me: Yep, and then you came out!
4: Then why is your belly still big?
Husband: Oh no
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 16, 2020
She was rare, like an item of kid's clothing in the hamper that's not inside out
— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) September 14, 2020
Me: nothing can possibly test your patience more than being stuck at home with kids for 6 months
Leaving the house with kids for 8am school drop off: HAHAHAHAHAHAH
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) September 15, 2020
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 17, 2020
Me: You should clean you room before dinner.
My 5yo: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO YOUR QUEEN?!!!??
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) September 15, 2020
I love when my kids cries for me to wait for her as I’m walking out the door, as if I’d ever go to school drop off WITHOUT her.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) September 15, 2020
That feeling of relief when your kid is dressed up for pajama day and you see another kid in pajamas at drop off.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 17, 2020
The silence after your kid falls over is the worst. Because they’re either absolutely fine or filling their lungs with enough air to mimic an air raid siren.
— The Dad (@thedad) September 17, 2020
The worst item on the menu is ‘Kids Welcome’
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 17, 2020
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 16, 2020
Algebra 2 hasn’t helped me in life ever not a single time, but that first job I had at Starbucks where I learned to make coffee while people yelled their no milk, no foam, light ice, super specific orders at me while I walked around half awake has really paid off in this mom gig.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 14, 2020
me: I want a Charlie Brown mural painted in the baby’s room
friend: I know a guy
me: is he very expensive?
friend: nah he works for peanuts
— Sue Corvette 🇨🇦 (@suecorvette) September 14, 2020
Y’all... so my child asked to wear her sunglasses to school today, fine. I figured they were gonna take them off for picture day because why would you need sunglasses for Fall pictures, right?... Y’ALL 😭 pic.twitter.com/TuHJos5Iry
— KND (@PronouncedKAYLA) September 14, 2020
in a recent study 100 toddlers were surveyed about what they hate the most. 100 out of 100 said "clean windows".
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 14, 2020
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 12, 2020
Idk what this virtual school is teaching but my 9yo just yelled from the office
MOM DON’T EVER GO TO A BATHHOUSE IN ISTANBUL
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) September 17, 2020
My daughter refuses to fill this out, pointing out the many fields that prove that her teacher is trying to steal her identity pic.twitter.com/rat7QEADt0
— jessica from 6’ away🧂 (@jessicashortall) September 16, 2020
Moms: We are drowning. Help.
Everyone: Wow you’re superhuman!
Moms: What? No. Can you just hel—
Everyone: I don’t know how you do it!
Moms: We’re not. Help us.
Everyone: OMG you’re amazing tho 😍😍😍
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) September 16, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: Chhapiness / twitter.com