Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
My home decor can best be described as "kids live here"
— Marl (@Marlebean) September 22, 2020
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) September 20, 2020
Took my son to the eye doctor & was asked how much screen time I allow.
Are you kidding me? It’s 2020. There’s your answer.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 21, 2020
10 year old: You bought a lot of fruit, mom!
Me *thinking of the gallon of sangria I’m about to make*: Gotta get in your daily servings!
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) September 22, 2020
If I am your friend trying to convince you to have kids please don’t fall for it I’m just looking for someone to commiserate with
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) September 21, 2020
My daughter is officially pulling this sh*t! I didn’t do this til I was 13. She’s downstairs with my mom. Told her to not use the dumpling doll for a head next time pic.twitter.com/DvXekXCLpr
— chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) September 22, 2020
7: I’m hungry
Me: We have bananas, apples, peaches, grapes and strawberries
7: I’ll take an orange
— Kids_kubed 🇨🇦 (@Kids_kubed) September 20, 2020
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 21, 2020
8yo: Your the best teacher I’ve ever had, Mom.
Me: *eyes well with tears* You’re.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 23, 2020
6-year-old: What if I accidentally used magic and my teddy bear became a real bear and attacked me?
Me: I don't think that's a real concern.
6: Maybe not for you.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 21, 2020
I just wanna be naked and eat chocolate
Inspirational words from my 2 yr old in these difficult times
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) September 19, 2020
Please keep my 4yo in your thoughts
There’s nothing wrong with her, she just inherited her father’s sneeze
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) September 22, 2020
I told my son we couldn’t afford something and he asked why I didn’t have more money, and I wanted to be like, “You, dude. You are entirely the reason I don’t have more money.”
— The Dad (@thedad) September 19, 2020
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) September 23, 2020
“I’m scared. I can’t see the bottom of this.”
— my four year old today, regarding why he didn’t want to eat some fruit cobbler
— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) September 21, 2020
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong...and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) September 18, 2020
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 19, 2020
I'm hiding from my kids in the closet so I can peacefully eat some cookies. I can hear them all walking around like a bunch of DEA agents. I'm trying my best to destroy all the evidence before they bust me.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) September 21, 2020
“Wow. I’ve never seen someone get so much yogurt on their neck.”
Follow me for more suggestions on compliments to give your 2 year old.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) September 21, 2020
Art teacher: draw a picture of your proudest moment and make it as detailed as possible so we can learn about each other
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) September 22, 2020
I love that when I’m telling my kids to stop fighting, I say “I’m not in the mood,” like if they tried me on a different day I might be cool with their bullsh*t.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 21, 2020
Child: I need help.
Child: There are 100 bees in a hive. 88% of the bees fly out. How many bees are still in the hive?
Me: Are they murder hornets?
Child: I dunno. Why?
Me: Well we might already be dead so it really doesn't matter.
Wife: Why do this.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) September 22, 2020
My oldest wanted a juice box, so I told him to go pick one out. He came back with a bottle of apple cider vinegar, thinking it was apple juice.
So my question is how horrible of a parent am I that I just went along with it?
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) September 22, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: copymama / twitter.com