Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.

#1

The 3 words a parent never wants to hear from their child, "I googled you."

— Queen Bee 🐝 (@my_hive_away) January 18, 2021

#2

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

— cap’n watsisname (@capnwatsisname) January 19, 2021

#3

No one:

My 4 year old: Anyway, since we’re talking about me...

— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) January 21, 2021

#4

My kid thought that “swearing in” meant Joe Biden was going to stand at a podium on Wednesday and reel off all the curse words he knows. He’s understandably a little disappointed now.

— Mary McCoy (@MaryElMcCoy) January 19, 2021

#5

"I emailed the teacher but haven't heard back" is the new "my dog ate my homework."

— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) January 19, 2021

#6

Whenever I get discouraged and want to quit something, I remember the words of my then 3 year-old after she puked carrots all over the living room floor: "I'm gonna need more carrots."

— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) January 18, 2021

#7

My 7 year old in one breath: Mommy I love you does it hurt to die?”

Who needs sleep anyway, right?

— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) January 16, 2021

#8

Can we all just agree that book cover sleeves on children’s books are a waste of money?

— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) January 19, 2021

#9

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 18, 2021

#10

Jokingly asked our 3 yr old if he goes to work and he got really mad and said “NO I eat and play” which wow ok

— amil (@amil) January 21, 2021

#11

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn't contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 20, 2021

#12

“How dare my 11yo mock me,” I think indignantly, before checking the Twitter account where I’ve been writing snarky tweets about her for almost 4 years.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 18, 2021

#13

Child: Hey mom-
Wife: OMG WHAT NOW
Child: NEVER MIND I'll ASK ALEXA. Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHAT NOW

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 18, 2021

#14

Be kind to everyone you meet. You don’t know how much time they’ve had to spend with their family.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 19, 2021

#15

might fu*k around and let my kids have an entire day of recess because fu*k homeschool

— Moderately Mom (@momtribevibe) January 21, 2021

#16

[Every time I’m listening to my 80’s playlist]

6yo: is this guy dead?

6yo: is THIS guy dead?

6yo: how dead is this guy?

Me: *just sobbing quietly into my tea*

— Frin ☕️🌷 (@dimplesticks) January 21, 2021

#17

after brushing out her tangles my daughter exclaimed she was “prettier than a hippo in a dress” and it is hereby my daily mantra

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 16, 2021

#18

Can you die from being, "Hey, Mommy?"-ed all motherfu*king day?

— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 20, 2021

#19

kids: wanna see something cool? just wait one second. trust me, it's going to be really cool. hold on. just a minute...you're going to love it. it's really cool, trust me. ok, are you ready? one second, I'm almost ready. this is going to be so cool.

me: pic.twitter.com/B9eRD9lour

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 21, 2021

#20

“Am I getting the frontcine or the baccine first?”

- My 5yo after telling him he’ll need two shots

No one correct him.

— Satirical Mommy (@MommySatirical) January 21, 2021

#21

Left his bone in the baby’s room. Cannot get it until the nap is over. Tough morning for Leo. pic.twitter.com/ltaKNB5fXG

— Emily Favreau (@emilyfavreau) January 17, 2021

Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.

Preview photo credit: capnwatsisname / twitter.com