Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
The 3 words a parent never wants to hear from their child, "I googled you."
— Queen Bee 🐝 (@my_hive_away) January 18, 2021
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
— cap’n watsisname (@capnwatsisname) January 19, 2021
My 4 year old: Anyway, since we’re talking about me...
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) January 21, 2021
My kid thought that “swearing in” meant Joe Biden was going to stand at a podium on Wednesday and reel off all the curse words he knows. He’s understandably a little disappointed now.
— Mary McCoy (@MaryElMcCoy) January 19, 2021
"I emailed the teacher but haven't heard back" is the new "my dog ate my homework."
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) January 19, 2021
Whenever I get discouraged and want to quit something, I remember the words of my then 3 year-old after she puked carrots all over the living room floor: "I'm gonna need more carrots."
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) January 18, 2021
My 7 year old in one breath: Mommy I love you does it hurt to die?”
Who needs sleep anyway, right?
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) January 16, 2021
Can we all just agree that book cover sleeves on children’s books are a waste of money?
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) January 19, 2021
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 18, 2021
Jokingly asked our 3 yr old if he goes to work and he got really mad and said “NO I eat and play” which wow ok
— amil (@amil) January 21, 2021
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn't contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 20, 2021
“How dare my 11yo mock me,” I think indignantly, before checking the Twitter account where I’ve been writing snarky tweets about her for almost 4 years.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 18, 2021
Child: Hey mom-
Wife: OMG WHAT NOW
Child: NEVER MIND I'll ASK ALEXA. Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHAT NOW
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 18, 2021
Be kind to everyone you meet. You don’t know how much time they’ve had to spend with their family.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 19, 2021
might fu*k around and let my kids have an entire day of recess because fu*k homeschool
— Moderately Mom (@momtribevibe) January 21, 2021
[Every time I’m listening to my 80’s playlist]
6yo: is this guy dead?
6yo: is THIS guy dead?
6yo: how dead is this guy?
Me: *just sobbing quietly into my tea*
— Frin ☕️🌷 (@dimplesticks) January 21, 2021
after brushing out her tangles my daughter exclaimed she was “prettier than a hippo in a dress” and it is hereby my daily mantra
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 16, 2021
Can you die from being, "Hey, Mommy?"-ed all motherfu*king day?
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 20, 2021
kids: wanna see something cool? just wait one second. trust me, it's going to be really cool. hold on. just a minute...you're going to love it. it's really cool, trust me. ok, are you ready? one second, I'm almost ready. this is going to be so cool.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 21, 2021
“Am I getting the frontcine or the baccine first?”
- My 5yo after telling him he’ll need two shots
No one correct him.
— Satirical Mommy (@MommySatirical) January 21, 2021
Left his bone in the baby’s room. Cannot get it until the nap is over. Tough morning for Leo. pic.twitter.com/ltaKNB5fXG
— Emily Favreau (@emilyfavreau) January 17, 2021
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: capnwatsisname / twitter.com