so funny when people call u back. i was calling u earlier, not now. bye.
— corie johnson (@corietjohnson) February 20, 2020
I miss when I was a kid and my biggest problem was that a rapper didn’t mention my city when he rattled of a verse naming various cities he liked partying in.
— quinta brunson (@quintabrunson) February 18, 2020
Just spent 27 minutes staring at my closet as if I wasn’t about to just put black leggings on.
— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) February 19, 2020
I just grabbed the right Tupperware lid on the first try so I guess now I’m in the business of making miracles happen.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 18, 2020
mary oliver: tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
me: *spends $15 on mozzarella sticks to meet the minimum delivery fee*
— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) February 16, 2020
In an act of self-care I am removing all mirrors from my home and replacing them with large photos of Laura Dern
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) February 19, 2020
Give me a purse so enormous that I can rummage for something, sigh, and climb inside the bag, and then you hear a ding and elevator doors opening.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 20, 2020
Due to enormous personal flaws I refuse to work on, I will be arriving 20 minutes late with iced coffee, please respect that
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) February 17, 2020
Men on dating apps are always like “looking for an adventure buddy” and I’m like ugh learn to make friends, don’t make this my problem
— Shalyah Evans (@ShalyahEvans) February 16, 2020
whenever someone calls me in the middle of texting with them, it's like WAIT BUT MY VOICE'S PANTS AREN'T ON
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 16, 2020
Just heard that “you had a bad day” song play on the radio, on the oldies station, which was upsetting for multiple reasons
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) February 20, 2020
trying to write a sentence without an em dash https://t.co/hWhsOsJlN3
— Alison Herman (@aherman2006) February 17, 2020
*when I’m doing stuff*
me: I wish I didn’t have to do stuff
*when I’m not doing stuff*
me: I should probably do stuff
— ⚡️Carly Danger⚡️ (@carlyken) February 21, 2020
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
— Aunt Chelle 😷 ☕️✊🏽 (@ravenswng_) February 20, 2020
Made the bed, kept cleaning the apartment, realized I hadn’t seen the cat for a little bit and found him like this pic.twitter.com/ohB7CkmYcM
— Dani Balenson (@dlbee_) February 16, 2020
Going to the farmer's market anybody want any farmers
— Pru (@prufrockluvsong) February 16, 2020
All I want for my birthday is for a wealthy benefactor to bequeath me a sprawling Victorian mansion with a dark and terrible secret
— j̴̢͘҉i̸̢͞z̛̛̀҉͞z̡͞w̶̵̢͜͞i̡͘t̸͝͝c̸͝h̀͏ (@fingerbIaster) February 19, 2020
I don't know who needs to hear this but no one has this range pic.twitter.com/Go2ECpreCM
— siân (@sharnacious) February 18, 2020
Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.
Preview photo credit: prufrockluvsong / twitter.com