#1

so funny when people call u back. i was calling u earlier, not now. bye.

— corie johnson (@corietjohnson) February 20, 2020

#2

I miss when I was a kid and my biggest problem was that a rapper didn’t mention my city when he rattled of a verse naming various cities he liked partying in.

— quinta brunson (@quintabrunson) February 18, 2020

#3

Just spent 27 minutes staring at my closet as if I wasn’t about to just put black leggings on.

— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) February 19, 2020

#4

I just grabbed the right Tupperware lid on the first try so I guess now I’m in the business of making miracles happen.

— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) February 18, 2020

#5

mary oliver: tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

me: *spends $15 on mozzarella sticks to meet the minimum delivery fee*

— Taylor Trudon (@taylortrudon) February 16, 2020

#6

In an act of self-care I am removing all mirrors from my home and replacing them with large photos of Laura Dern

— Karen Chee (@karencheee) February 19, 2020

#7

Give me a purse so enormous that I can rummage for something, sigh, and climb inside the bag, and then you hear a ding and elevator doors opening.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) February 20, 2020

#8

Due to enormous personal flaws I refuse to work on, I will be arriving 20 minutes late with iced coffee, please respect that

— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) February 17, 2020

#9

Men on dating apps are always like “looking for an adventure buddy” and I’m like ugh learn to make friends, don’t make this my problem

— Shalyah Evans (@ShalyahEvans) February 16, 2020

#10

whenever someone calls me in the middle of texting with them, it's like WAIT BUT MY VOICE'S PANTS AREN'T ON

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 16, 2020

#11

Just heard that “you had a bad day” song play on the radio, on the oldies station, which was upsetting for multiple reasons

— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) February 20, 2020

#12

trying to write a sentence without an em dash https://t.co/hWhsOsJlN3

— Alison Herman (@aherman2006) February 17, 2020

#13

*when I’m doing stuff*
me: I wish I didn’t have to do stuff
*when I’m not doing stuff*
me: I should probably do stuff

— ⚡️Carly Danger⚡️ (@carlyken) February 21, 2020

#14

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

— Aunt Chelle 😷 ☕️✊🏽 (@ravenswng_) February 20, 2020

#15

Made the bed, kept cleaning the apartment, realized I hadn’t seen the cat for a little bit and found him like this pic.twitter.com/ohB7CkmYcM

— Dani Balenson (@dlbee_) February 16, 2020

#16

Going to the farmer's market anybody want any farmers

— Pru (@prufrockluvsong) February 16, 2020

#17

All I want for my birthday is for a wealthy benefactor to bequeath me a sprawling Victorian mansion with a dark and terrible secret

— j̴̢͘҉i̸̢͞z̛̛̀҉͞z̡͞w̶̵̢͜͞i̡͘t̸͝͝c̸͝h̀͏ (@fingerbIaster) February 19, 2020

#18

I don't know who needs to hear this but no one has this range pic.twitter.com/Go2ECpreCM

— siân (@sharnacious) February 18, 2020

Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.

Preview photo credit: prufrockluvsong / twitter.com