#1

At my age, I can send a text at 10:35 and be asleep at 10:35:10. 😂🤦🏽‍♂️

— 🍑❤️ (@uhpromise) October 11, 2020

#2

I’m my own worst critic but I’m also everybody else’s worst critic, basically a huge bit*h

— Audrey Kaufman (@KaufmanAudrey) October 11, 2020

#3

my therapist: you’re a good person

me: oh no I’ve tricked you too

— Ely Kreimendahling (@ElyKreimendahl) October 13, 2020

#4

when a dolphin swims toward you? that’s e e coming

— grace spelman (@GraceSpelman) October 11, 2020

#5

whoever put the s in lisp is wrong for that

— bea (@lavafairys) October 15, 2020

#6

interview with the vampire would be much more compelling if the vampire was actually just interviewing for a job at old navy

— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) October 10, 2020

#7

you may think you lead a fun or exciting life but today i put oat milk in my oatmeal so top that.

— king crissle (@crissles) October 11, 2020

#8

then explain this quote https://t.co/cM1bLQJOL0 pic.twitter.com/lDdbX82lbC

— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) October 14, 2020

#9

Emily gets kissed so much in Paris and is bad at everything... should I move to Paris?

— nicole byer (@nicolebyer) October 12, 2020

#10

Dolly Parton has been married for 54 years and I have never seen her husband not one time 😂 goals?

— Fawn Moscato (@tinnkky) October 9, 2020

#11

my favorite character trope is a traumatized person who buries themselves in their very specific job (bookstore owner, gardener, chef) and says sh*t like “that’s why i like (books, plants, onions)—they’ll never leave...”

— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) October 12, 2020

#12

Another week?? Right after we JUST had one?? Okay... not sold on all that but I’ll give it a shot I guess

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) October 12, 2020

#13

*leaves my phone at home*

Is this camping? Am I camping?

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 14, 2020

#14

My favorite genre of movie is “someone coughs blood into a napkin and then doesn’t tell anyone “

— raina (@quakerraina) October 14, 2020

#15

someone liked a ton of my tweets at once and their account has 0 followers and was JUST made, and I thought, “this must be a bot.” then I looked closer. it’s my dad.

— Karen Chee (@karencheee) October 15, 2020

#16

i laugh at my own jokes bc i am my target audience. y’all just happen to be there fr

— እምነተ (@emnetee) October 12, 2020

#17

i don’t get why my bridesmaids are pissed at me! i just asked that they pay $300 for a dress, buy a plane ticket, quarantine for 2 weeks at a hotel, get tested, risk their life at my 300 person wedding, and give a long speech about our inside jokes

— Lily Sullivan (@LilyYily) October 11, 2020

#18

spelling bee judge: your word is "steve"

starbucks barista: oh no

— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) October 14, 2020

#19

Every girls fantasy pic.twitter.com/Cc2dna8OEt

— Flora underscore underscore Flora 🦄🦋 (@Flora__Flora) October 14, 2020

#20

No woman in the history of film has ever been as horny as Sarah Sanderson in Hocus Pocus

— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) October 11, 2020

Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.

Preview photo credit: uhpromise / twitter.com