Jesus being God's son is like... ok nepotism
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) September 22, 2020
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *slides mouthguard in sensually*
— Mom Sweats (@momjeansplease) September 20, 2020
I miss walking into a store and immediately realizing it’s too fancy but pretending to look around for a few minutes for the benefit of the salesperson who already hates me by default
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) September 21, 2020
I’m going to start my diet today and finish my diet today because I like to get things done.
— Stacey (@skittle624) September 21, 2020
idk why as a child i thought leeches would be a bigger problem for me
— kaytamine (@fleetwood__max) September 19, 2020
I Feel like this is an appropriate reaction pic.twitter.com/PzsPvJRIed
— Natalie (@jbfan911) September 22, 2020
you come to me on this, the day of my daughter’s socially distanced zoom wedding
— maya kosoff (@mekosoff) September 22, 2020
I love how babies look freaked out all the time. They’re the only ones being honest!
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) September 23, 2020
blake shelton being named sexiest man alive was the beginning of the end
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) September 19, 2020
But does the embarrassing thing that happened twenty years ago think about *me* at 3 a.m.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) September 22, 2020
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
— kayla ♡ (@baz00per) September 22, 2020
I am always reminded of how competitive I am whenever someone responds to my “love you” with “love you more.” WHAT bit*h?! “MORE”?! I’ll show you more
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 21, 2020
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
— Dea Poirier (@deapoirierbooks) September 19, 2020
i was in a sex store today and this girl walked in, looked at me and went “hello, where are the strap ons?” like girl i don’t work here but aisle 12
— ABOLISH THE POLICE (@hairyfairie) September 20, 2020
All the worst friend fights I ever have occur entirely in my head during the response delays in text conversations
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 22, 2020
I fear I’ll go the rest of my life never knowing if a singular dried bay leaf does literally anything to benefit a soup or sauce
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) September 22, 2020
me, pitching the Trojan Horse idea: ok we build a large horse out of wood and I sneak inside. I furnish the interior with rugs, a bed, maybe a Monet. real cozy. then I live there, rent-free, and you wheel me to places I wanna go
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) September 21, 2020
Welcome to adulthood.
Loud cars make you angry now.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 22, 2020
"can u multitask" yes actually i am losing my mind and chilling at the same time
— Emily💋 (@emilyspreads) September 21, 2020
wild email from my mom pic.twitter.com/DN0qT6he0N
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) September 22, 2020
Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.
Preview photo credit: danadonly / twitter.com