Just asked my husband what day it is. He's Googling it. I'll get back to you all with the results.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 8, 2020
I guess now we’re all living in those old paintings of people lying around on couches doing nothing with their bo*bs out
— Dana Berger - Actress (@DanaMerylBerger) April 4, 2020
I’ve decided my new hobby is saying “Sorry, not to be a bit*h, but” and then saying a neutral fact. Like, sorry, not to be a bit*h but F. Scott Fitzgerald was born in 1896
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) April 7, 2020
Me: Damn, this is a really long trailer.
Netflix: Bit*h, you’re watching the episode. Surprise.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) April 4, 2020
maybe the bread is baking us
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) April 5, 2020
I hate when I put something in a shopping cart and don’t buy it and the company emails me: “forgot something?” And it’s like yeah I forgot I don’t have money for a $70 sports bra
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) April 6, 2020
You never know a person til they name their first kid. You think you have a best friend til this bit*h names her kid Euripides Barclay Smith and now you gotta hate her.
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) April 5, 2020
Remember when we thought watching Uncut Gems was the most stressed out we’d ever be for at least a couple months
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) April 9, 2020
save your hopes for the next email because I’m not doing well
— ziwe (@ziwe) April 6, 2020
No emoji will ever compare with “:/“....they just don’t have the range
— Dylan Ali (@dylanali_) April 7, 2020
guys will stand 5’8” from you and call it 6 feet
— illithid tadpole (@andrealongchu) April 4, 2020
I got off the couch today like some sort of Olympian.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 8, 2020
You can still get pregnant by sexting, the baby just comes out as a tamagotchi so be careful guys
— Flora underscore underscore Flora 🦄🦋 (@Flora__Flora) April 6, 2020
everything i see someone on tv do i am like “I miss doing that” even if it’s like solving a crime in a library hundreds of years ago
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) April 9, 2020
I am extremely jealous of flamingos because I, too, want to assume the colour of whatever I eat. Lord make me a beautiful shade of Baja Blast
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) April 8, 2020
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I'm learning to cook
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) April 5, 2020
I think I’m the kind of reader that Reese Witherspoon is which is like, this book is great but I would like it more if it were a movie starring me
— Melissa Lozada-Oliva (@ellomelissa) April 7, 2020
Joining Houseparty just taught me a valuable lesson about deleting old contacts
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) April 9, 2020
Anyone else have grandparents do weird stuff that was explained by the fact that they lived thru the Depression?
We’re going to be those grandparents.
“Daddy why is grandma clorox wiping the grocery bags?” “She lived thru COVID honey she doesn’t talk about it.”
— jess mcintosh (@jess_mc) April 8, 2020
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Preview photo credit: Kristen_Arnett / twitter.com