Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 16, 2020
Zoom preschool is both hilarious and depressing. My 4 year old keeps unmuting himself and yelling 'I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME! IS THIS MEETING OVER YET?'
— Alexis Diao (@meowdiao) September 2, 2020
Son: Can I have some?
Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.
— Vision Bored🎄 (@VisionBored1) January 6, 2020
hell hath no fury like a toddler who loses the chance to push a button of any kind.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 24, 2020
80% of parenting is replying to your kids “wow, that’s cool” without even looking.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 9, 2020
My son came and got me, saying there was a serious leak under the kitchen sink. pic.twitter.com/OEqnR1McJ6
— Tenessa Gemelke (@gemelket) July 14, 2020
A pandemic is no excuse for excessive screen time. Study after study has shown that electronics are harmful to young minds. I’ve made the difficult decision to limit my children’s iPad use to no more than 14 hours a day and I hope you do the same.
— Bunmi Laditan (@HonestToddler) May 3, 2020
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
— Jen (@TheNextMartha) March 16, 2020
No one is as obnoxiously well-behaved as a child whose sibling is getting yelled at.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 27, 2020
Flex on your kids by hanging your own picture on the fridge
— Dave Ween (@pittdave13) November 25, 2020
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 7, 2020
Recently my 4 yo has said she doesn’t like it when I work (because I’m away from her). I’ve explained that I work so she has food and clothes, and we should be grateful. Today she’s playing “work,” and I hear her telling her sister loudly: WE HAVE TO WORK TO KEEP FROM STARVING.
— Meena Harris (@meenaharris) September 7, 2020
My four year old, when asked by a friend at day care why she has two mums and no dad, told her that her dad was eaten by a shark.
— Kate (@BakeKater) November 18, 2020
Keeping the magic in Christmas by yelling “Don’t open that!” every time an Amazon box is delivered.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 9, 2020
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
— Chris(tmas)topher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) May 20, 2020
Buy your toddler clothes with lots of snaps and buttons if you’ve ever thought it would be cool to do a puzzle that tries to kick you and run away while you solve it
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) October 20, 2020
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 15, 2020
My child: I want a snack.
Me: Okay, just give me one minute and I will get it for you.
What my child heard: You will never eat another snack again. Commence with the screaming.
— Not Your Trending Mom (@notyrtrendngmom) May 17, 2020
My daughter had a Zoom class yesterday. The teacher's internet went out, so one of the kids was made the default host. He muted everyone, pretended to teach the class, and then just said "fart" over and over until the teacher was able to join back. It was amazing.
— Todd Coleman (@todd_coleman) April 29, 2020
My son lost his tooth yesterday and I go to his room last night to grab the tooth in exchange for some $$$... And this is the message he wrote... 😒😒😒 with full on instructions 🤦🏾♂️🙄🤣 pic.twitter.com/jiMm5y9UF9
— Chef Lauren (@ChefLaurenW) July 2, 2020
Moms: We are drowning. Help.
Everyone: Wow you’re superhuman!
Moms: What? No. Can you just hel—
Everyone: I don’t know how you do it!
Moms: We’re not. Help us.
Everyone: OMG you’re amazing tho 😍😍😍
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) September 16, 2020
Wife: What are you guys playing?
Wife: But the kids are just hopping up and down while you're drinking scot-
Wife: Got an extra glass?
— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) March 24, 2020
“clean your room or I will cut your hair again” is such an unexpected and fun parenting tool these days
— Just J (@junejuly12) May 13, 2020
Son: I had some scary thoughts.
Me, rolling up sleeves to have a big father-son talk about All Of This: Okay. What kind of scary thoughts?
Son: Vacuum cleaners. Broccoli.
Son: Vacuum cleaners are LOUD.
— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) April 22, 2020
I keep thinking life has hit rock bottom and then my kid's 8:15am remote school lesson is to practice and perfect Hot Cross Buns on the recorder
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 17, 2020
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 5, 2020
My kids asked me what I used to play on my iPad when I was a kid and I told them I used to let elmer’s glue dry on my hands and peel it off for fun
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) May 11, 2020
My two year old ran into my room first thing thing this morning, and then, clearly coached, shouted “happy Mother’s Day mommy!” And then before i could respond, she picked up a pair of scissors and said “can I play with this, it’s special to me.” It was the best. ❤️
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) May 10, 2020
My dad has been doing a huge amount of childcare for us in quarantine so I’m delighted to announce my 1-year old baby gestures and shrugs like a 64-year old Jewish man.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) October 4, 2020
Check on your friends with toddlers. The toddlers are winning. Send help.
— Joe Briggs, Esq. (@JoeBriggsEsq) May 12, 2020
Kids really overestimate how much parents want to guess things.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 17, 2020
My 5-year old is rebelling against zoom school by mouthing words instead of speaking so as to make her teacher think there’s something wrong with the unmuting function
— Spencer Ackerman (@attackerman) October 15, 2020
What am I binge watching? A fu*king toddler. You?
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) April 26, 2020
“We don’t wear what we slept in out in public.”
-Me, lying to my child
— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) March 3, 2020
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) August 10, 2020
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 19, 2020
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 1, 2020
My 9-yr-old daughter is literally never right and yet I've literally never won an argument with her
— Jonesy The Beautiful Idiot 🇨🇦 (@VikingJonesy) February 17, 2020
Sometimes when my husband and I are singing to our daughter at bedtime I’m secretly like “shhhh I got this”.
— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) May 4, 2020
My kid wrote a song called,
“I Wonder What’s Inside your Butthole” Quite honestly, it slaps. pic.twitter.com/A65m6XeZ2r
— Lisa Shmeesa 🦎🦎🦎 (@LisaRieffel) May 2, 2020
My son has a Thomas the Train bed and now I’ll never sleep again pic.twitter.com/ilvjY4LERs
— Nathan Thomas (@isosmrt) July 18, 2020
My husband just told me he wants a divorce.
Actually his exact words were “I think it would be cool for the whole family to live in an RV and travel the country for a year,” but tomato, to-mah-to
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) June 24, 2020
I asked my son to turn down his music and he 'okayed boomer' me so now we're turning off the wi-fi for a bit
— Low Ki 🌺 (@Alohababe2011) August 4, 2020
I explained to my daughter that when Netflix started they used to send you DVDs.
6yr old: (old lady voice) You know, back in my day, the internet used to come in the mail.
— Donald Zimmer (@zimmer_donald) September 27, 2020
3-year-old: mama why do people get married?
Me: well, when two people love each other very much it can be a good thing to do for tax purposes.
— Felicia Day🇺🇸 (@feliciaday) July 1, 2020
Just walked in on my boyfriend singing a lullaby to our daughter while putting her to sleep....the lullaby was Buy you a drank by T-Pain
— MacKenzieSharpe (@cKenzieMae) April 28, 2020
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) November 11, 2020
I told my daughter to grab her mask so we can go to the store. This was the mask she grabbed. pic.twitter.com/JQdRZltCSv
— Maintaining ✨ (@SunsetSoFresh) November 22, 2020
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 28, 2020
Friend: so what’s it like parenting a toddler?
Friend: just curious.
Friend: I don’t know nevermind.
Friend: hey fu*k you man.
Me: yes that’s it exactly.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) January 30, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: 9to5buzz