Who needs insomnia Twitter when you live in Baltimore and there is a man on the street at 1:30 AM yelling “Trump got it!” .
— Danielle Evans (@daniellevalore) October 2, 2020
I love when I post a story of my cat and like 70 people reply “that looks like my cat!” Like yeah babe it’s a cat. There are like 4 flavors
— raina (@quakerraina) September 29, 2020
“Gorgeous night for a walk” -me moving from couch to chair
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) September 29, 2020
Prayers for my husband who very tragically got me nothing for our anniversary when I specifically told him I wanted nothing for our anniversary.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 28, 2020
does this look like a pig with rollers in its hair or have I finally lost it pic.twitter.com/txxhSFyGRD
— 𝖏𝖆𝖉𝖊 (@jxdeholly) September 26, 2020
Yay I love sundays! I love feeling weird all day for no reason!
— Meg Stalter (@megstalter) September 27, 2020
Lifetime have I got a movie for you! It's about a woman who HATES CHRISTMAS, but she has to pretend to like it because of her husband's job, but then one day she meets a beautiful little immigrant child who has been separated from their parents, and says "Give me a fu*king break"
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) October 2, 2020
wow i just cant take this anymore *continues to take it*
— 333 (@ih8threat) September 27, 2020
I slept so hard my neck and shoulder muscles are sore. Can I count this as a work out?
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) September 28, 2020
The pope, psyching himself in the mirror every morning: OK, Frankie, just remember, it’s a VatiCAN not a VatiCAN’T
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) September 28, 2020
Poor Canada. We are such sh*tty downstairs neighbors
— Christi Lukasiak (@ChristiLukasiak) October 1, 2020
a relationship should be 50/50. he gets fries for himself and I eat half of them
— fanhouse.app/jasminericegirl (@jasminericegirl) September 26, 2020
Take me down to the Xanax City where the grass is green and the -- oh, this grass is nice. I mean, this is quality grass. Let's lie down for a while and stare at the sky.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 28, 2020
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) October 1, 2020
I don’t get it when I see skinny people running..... aren’t you done???
— J*ckie (@jackies_backie) September 27, 2020
what if we pronounced aristotle like chipotle
— murdeezy (@spicycasserole) September 26, 2020
DEBATE DRINKING GAME: Drink every time all the time
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) September 30, 2020
American Horror Story: America
— Raquel Willis (@RaquelWillis_) September 30, 2020
The two types of friends when someone insults you:
Type 1: Aw, that sucks. I’m sorry. Wanna talk about it?
Type 2: They said WHAT? What’s their name? Nvm I found their social media. Lol they got nerve with their RAT ASS DOG ASS UGLY ASS FACE AND THEIR MESSY ASS DUMB ASS OLD ASS
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 29, 2020
Not fasting this year because I feel like God is the one who needs to atone
— Rachel Bloom (@Racheldoesstuff) September 28, 2020
Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.
Preview photo credit: jxdeholly / twitter.com