men are addicted to being asleep when you are awake
— parody account (@w0a0i0f) May 25, 2020
I don’t hold grudges. I just choose to permanently like people less.
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) May 23, 2020
The easiest way to ruin my evening is to be rude to me one time four years ago
— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) May 26, 2020
every time i learn about a new mystery that no one ever solved i go and pull up the wikipedia page like i’m gonna be the one to finally figure it out
— Casey Johnston (@caseyjohnston) May 23, 2020
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I liked a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
— tignotaro (@TigNotaro) May 27, 2020
Omg I’m Having a hard time decorating my new crib😩which one y’all think? pic.twitter.com/7nEwbSmNIm
— 🍂𝔰𝔭𝔦𝔠𝔢 𝔤𝔦𝔯𝔩 (@dosesofkae_) May 25, 2020
Dated a guy in a frat who had a playlist entitled “if girls show up”
— Annie Hamilton (@ANNIE_HAM) May 24, 2020
Scientist: Where’s the diamond?
Old lady: *three hour long story about how she lost her virginity*
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) May 25, 2020
My Close Friends list is for only my most enduring friendships and also ten people I've never spoken to but I think have "good energy"
— walker (@walkercapl) May 24, 2020
if im going on a date i think regardless of gender, the other person should pay. this is rooted in the fact that i don’t want to pay
— al (@local__celeb) May 24, 2020
Sometimes I like to eat an egg white omelet, with veggies and no cheese, then just be furious until lunch.
— Janelle James (@janellejcomic) May 24, 2020
A fun thing about grocery shopping when everyone is wearing masks is that half the people look like they’re about to perform surgery and the other half look like they’re about to rob a stagecoach.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 24, 2020
thinking about the guy who fully told me "if u keep saying ur a lesbian, men won't wanna date u"
— gay fieri (@feralsapphic) May 23, 2020
me when i’m able to read more then two pages in a row of a book during quarantine pic.twitter.com/3ObisaTp9M
— Scaachi (@Scaachi) May 28, 2020
your 7th grade english teacher scars you and your 11th grade teacher heals you that's how it goes i don't make the rules
— selomilli sh*t (@selomeeeee) May 24, 2020
it’s so lame when adults announce their own birthday. like, today is MY birthday but you don’t see me sitting here announcing that it’s my birthday today or that i was born on this day
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) May 23, 2020
Fav part of watching Jeopardy is saying “I should be on Jeopardy” every time I correctly answer a $200 clue that happens to be about one of my three interests
— Laura Peek (@laurapeek_) May 25, 2020
High school football players were really like “ ima win this game for you baby” and then would lose 65-7
— 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐋𝐘 (@carlyynicole) May 24, 2020
I'm always struck by the unbridled optimism of conspiracy theorists. They have seemingly never tried to keep a dozen people quiet while planning a surprise party.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) May 23, 2020
this is the comforter ur high school boyfriend had pic.twitter.com/xK7U6dJgBC
— grace 💫 (@thebiggestyee) May 26, 2020
Visit our "Funniest Tweets From Women" page for past roundups.
Preview photo credit: w0a0i0f / twitter.com