Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways.

#1

A dark day for parents is when their child learns what "hypocrite" means.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 29, 2020

#2

Self-confidence is my four year old asking me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps.

— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 1, 2020

#3

my daughter threw a tantrum because she felt it was too early to be spoken to and it really is a miracle that we create little versions of ourselves

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 2, 2020

#4

"Sorry I don't make the rules" I say blatantly lying to my child about a rule I just made up.

— Avocado Mama (@HeatherStenwall) July 2, 2020

#5

I always thought I'd be a patient mom.

And then I had to listen to my son tell a story.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 1, 2020

#6

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing on the beach you can keep sand out of their mouth while I blow up a raft and they ask if there is a pool.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 1, 2020

#7

Forget taking a yoga class. Once you’ve taken 30 minutes to exit a baby’s room in slow motion, you’ll know every position well enough to teach a yoga class.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 28, 2020

#8

A surprising amount of parenting is bribing your kids with things you don’t want to do, then breathing a sigh of relief when they mess it up so you don’t have to deliver.

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) June 28, 2020

#9

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: No *shaking head* I think they're all like that

— The Dad (@thedad) July 1, 2020

#10

After ten do you tell your child to go to sleep or do you scream it

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) July 2, 2020

#11

My daughter has been hoarding empty toilet paper rolls in her bedroom.
I don’t know what kind of elaborate craft she’s planning, but I already know I want to throw it out.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) July 2, 2020

#12

“Hmmm, I guess I’ll have that”

- My 10yo after I told him what I was making for dinner like he’s got a choice in the matter

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 2, 2020

#13

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 29, 2020

#14

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 29, 2020

#15

3-year-old: mama why do people get married?
Me: well, when two people love each other very much it can be a good thing to do for tax purposes.

— Felicia Day (@feliciaday) July 1, 2020

#16

I was celebrating the fact my kids were all playing together nicely.

Turns out my 8yo opened a Sharpie “tattoo shop” in his bedroom.

My 2yo has “tattoo” barbed wire across her chest and a skull with DEADLOCK scrolled down her arm.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 1, 2020

#17

No one warned me how much of parenting is sitting quietly with your stomach in your throat, watching your toddler literally jump from new heights and try new risky things

— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) July 2, 2020

#18

My son lost his tooth yesterday and I go to his room last night to grab the tooth in exchange for some $$$... And this is the message he wrote... 😒😒😒 with full on instructions 🤦🏾‍♂️🙄🤣 pic.twitter.com/jiMm5y9UF9

— Chef Lauren (@ChefLaurenW) July 2, 2020

#19

"TURBO MODE"
My kid shouts, farting while skating

— Marl (@Marlebean) July 2, 2020

#20

By law, all dads who pick up a packed suitcase to load into the car have to say, “Jeez, what did you put in here, a dead body?”

— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 27, 2020

#21

10-year-old: I'm watching all the Harry Potter movies.

Me: Do you really have that much free time?

10: I don't have any free time. I'm watching all the Harry Potter movies.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 29, 2020

#22

Me, to 8y.o: “Why do you watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games when you could play them yourself?”

8: “Well, why do YOU watch TikTok videos of people dancing when you could do the dances yourself?”

Well played, kid.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 1, 2020

#23

My 4-year-old wanted to use talk-to-text to send a message to his aunt. This is what was sent. My 4-year-old is THE world's worst rapper. pic.twitter.com/Bq15aRcH1a

— A Bearer Of Dad News ✊🏾 (@HomeWithPeanut) July 2, 2020

#24

Walking at nine months. Scamming at ten months. Our baby girl 😍 (📷: @postracialist) pic.twitter.com/xJcRqvU0Jf

— Decker Ngongang (@Ngongang) July 1, 2020

Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.

Preview photo credit: mommajessiec / twitter.com