7-year-old: I wish I could see Santa’s naughty kid list.
Me: To see if you’re on it?
7-year-old: To see who I could have the most fun with.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 9, 2019
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
— Just J (@junejuly12) October 9, 2020
If at first you don't succeed, try, try to get someone else to do it for you by throwing a tantrum.
- Toddler Logic
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 13, 2016
Every time my 3yo doesn’t want to do something she says “no, cuz it’s yucky” and when I give her another option she says “no, cuz it’s too early for it” and I mean, how do you argue with THAT logic?!
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 16, 2019
5: (Sees me eating dinner, double-fisting with a glass of wine and water) - Ummm, Mommy, since you have 2 drinks can I at least have 1 glass of chocolate milk?
I can’t say her logic is flawed. Kid’s gonna be a champ negotiator.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) October 12, 2018
4: mom will you buy me a real reindeer?
Me: Santa Claus is the only person who can have reindeer
4: .... mom will you buy me a Santa Claus outfit?
Me: sure babe
4: then we can go buy a reindeer because I’ll look like Santa
— 🌟MichiMama🌟 (@michimama75) November 8, 2020
Me: “Why did the wicked stepsisters rip Cinderella’s dress?” My 2 year old: “Because I don’t have any pizza.” Logic: It works.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2013
7-year-old: I don't want mashed potatoes.
Me: They're just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There's a flaw in her logic, but I can't find it.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2020
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 8, 2019
My 8yo woke up this morning and said “Artichokes are rude!”, and honestly he is probably right.
— Katie Didn't (@Pork_Chop_Hair) January 16, 2020
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 9, 2019
Me: “If you’re done with the game, you need to put the pieces away.”
4yo: I WAS done, but if I have to clean it then I’m undone.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 5, 2017
my 4yo: daddy, does the moon have a job or does it just sit there?
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 12, 2019
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 22, 2020
"If dad says yes on the 3,457th time I ask, then it's all worthwhile."
— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) May 13, 2015
3: I’m a big sister
Me: No you’re not sweetie you’re a little sister
3: I’m a big kid now and I’m a sister so I’m a big sister
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 30, 2019
4-year-old: Why do I have to be the youngest?
Me: Your sisters were born first.
4: They cheated.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 9, 2020
5: (feeds the cat a treat) Hey, mom? Since the cat got a treat, can I get a treat?
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 21, 2017
“But I’m sick, and I’m staying home from school tomorrow, so I should be able to stay up late”
- kid logic
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 22, 2018
Our 5yo wrapped a piece of sausage around my finger and called it a “band-aid” so needless to say, he’s my personal physician now.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) February 28, 2020
Me: What's the first rule of cooking?
4: Don't put your hands in your butt.
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) November 13, 2019
Me: Why do you keep dropping things on the floor?!?
2yo: Because I let go of them.
I must admit, her argument is pretty solid on this one.
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) March 7, 2014
Shower Logic for Kids:
8-Since we showered 2 nights in a row, we should get 2 nights OFF from showering because we're extra clean.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) December 8, 2015
7-year-old: How much cake can I have?
Me: One piece.
7: Can a whole cake be a piece?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 9, 2020
7-year-old: Can I have a snack?
Me: No, you'll ruin your dinner.
7: I thought that was your job.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 28, 2019
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) March 7, 2020
4-year-old: Why do we have to wear shoes?
Me: They protect your feet.
4: No, they trap your feet. *whispers* They’re feet traps.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 7, 2019
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 28, 2020
5: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Me: No. It’s 7 o’clock in the morning. We don’t eat snacks before we have our breakfast.
5: Well mommy, it’s not 7 o’clock everywhere. We can have a snack now.
So apparently “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere” can be used for kid snack logic too.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) March 9, 2019
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
— Just J (@junejuly12) October 13, 2018
4: Mama, I'm not feeling so good.
Me: What's wrong baby girl?
4: I haven't had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
— GorditaSlim (@kahearstee) January 31, 2019
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 19, 2020
5yo: *crying* you never let me have any fun
wife: you were yelling at your sister
5yo: yeah, that’s fun
me: it is pretty fun
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) June 25, 2019
My toddler shouted “I NEED A BREAK FROM ALL OF YOU” and then locked himself in his bedroom. When we asked what happened he replied “nothing I’m just being daddy”
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 31, 2020
9y.o: “Can we watch this movie again?”
Me: “No- you’ve watched it like every single day!”
9: “Yeah, but you drink coffee every single day & it brings YOU joy, so...”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 17, 2019
Me: hey stop jumping
3: I’m not jumping, I’m hopping
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 31, 2019
*Quiet Daddy-daughter screen time on Saturday morning*
7yo: (watching show on iPad) Daddy, is this too loud for you?
Me: No Sweetheart, but thanks for asking.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) March 10, 2018
According to my 3yo it's Christmas.
Because all the chocolates from her Advent calendar are gone.
Because she snuck them into her room and ate them all.
And since I don't have the energy to argue with toddler logic,
Merry Christmas everyone!
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) December 19, 2019
4-year-old: I have to train for the Power Rangers.
Me: I don't think they're accepting new members.
4: No. I'm going to beat them.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 12, 2019
7-year-old: I'm done with homework.
Me: You did it?
7: That's not what I said.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 4, 2020
Each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Preview photo credit: 9to5buzz