Quarantine has taught me a lot about myself. For example, I would marry someone just because they were good at making peach cobbler.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) June 12, 2020
“He looked like if a warm can of sprite was a person” —a late night writer trying to describe the perpetrator to a police sketch artist
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) June 10, 2020
if making my therapist laugh counts, yes i am still “active in the NYC comedy scene”
— jourdain (@jourdayen) June 10, 2020
oh my god. have not introduced myself to anyone in so long that when the USPS automated voice said to record my name for a call back i panicked and said "karen tree" what the fu*k
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) June 12, 2020
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar again.
— kim. (@KimmyMonte) June 10, 2020
how tf a computer gone ask me if i'm a robot 😭 bit*h you da robot 😭😭
— lëx 🍬 (@liddlexie) June 10, 2020
I will NEVER forgive y’all for the way y’all acted at the grocery stores those first 3 weeks of quarantine
— stevie wonder 🦋 (@lilliexnicole) June 9, 2020
welp, there’s nobody left in my family I can talk to without crying, but at least I have you, can of tomato paste.
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) June 9, 2020
Time to call my antifa aarp super soldier on the phone or as I like to call him dad
— Molly Jong-Fast🏡 (@MollyJongFast) June 10, 2020
I don't just learn history from statues, I learn EVERYTHING from statues. BIOLOGY: greek gods have peepees sometimes. ANATOMY: girls dont have arms. RELIGION: jesus was big as brazil, VERY scary
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) June 12, 2020
me smiling at people under my mask thinking that they can see it pic.twitter.com/XSebFYSuT8
— katelyn (@noitskatelyn) June 6, 2020
Somebody said they accidentally screamed “Jesus” at a protest when they said “say his name” 😂
— Saint Rems (@RemiOmolosho) June 10, 2020
White people have no problem pronouncing Daenerys Targaryen but start stuttering when tryna pronounce Ahmed
— amna (@amnaaxs) June 8, 2020
Why did I have to learn what a rhombus is? literally nothing is rhombus shaped.
— Reeezy (@MsReeezy) June 10, 2020
absolutely wild that elmo has had a dad this whole time, and that dad allowed elmo to spend the last 40 years running around new york city basically unsupervised.
— Erin too ambitious Ryan (@morninggloria) June 6, 2020
Wow seems like lots of people upset about the new PlayStation could use some “consoling” !
— Bec Shaw (@Brocklesnitch) June 12, 2020
all my love and adoration to the woman in my zoom pilates class last week who thought she was muted so she just let her butthole give‘er for the full hour.
— Scaachi (@Scaachi) June 8, 2020
During quarantine, not getting a text back from someone is a downright act of war
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) June 11, 2020
Every guy you hook up with can either end up in marriage or him watching your snapchat story until the day you die and I think that’s beautiful ❤️
— Abby Govindan (@abbygov) June 9, 2020
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Preview photo credit: noitskatelyn / twitter.com