Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
marriage is lying to your wife about how old you thought a cougar was
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) August 26, 2020
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) August 24, 2020
After many years of marriage, the one piece of advice I can give is this:
For some reason they just really like the towels folded in thirds.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 28, 2020
Husband: Why don’t you ever spoon me?
Me: *spoons husband*
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) August 27, 2020
*breaks the toaster oven*
[texts my husband] When were you going to tell me that you broke the toaster oven?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 26, 2020
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 29, 2020
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 21, 2020
Wife: lights fall scented candle
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 23, 2020
“You’re making this so much more complicated than it needs to be”, he says, clearly forgetting who he married
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) August 21, 2020
My wife: can you breakdown this cardboard box for me?
Me talking to box: You think you’re stronger than me? Maybe physically but not mentally. You’re not resilient, you just go through the same endless cycle without ever fundamentally changing and that’s very sad actually
— lucy bexley 🦇🌈 (@bexley_lucy) August 26, 2020
When your wife says she's not hungry in a restaurant, that roughly translates to "I'll be eating half of your fries".
— karanbir singh (@karanbirtinna) August 25, 2020
I’ve got 99 problems and its all silverware my husband keeps refusing to wash at the bottom of the sink.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) August 27, 2020
You know the honeymoon is over when you ask if there is anything to read as you head into the shitter
— Bart (@bartandsoul) August 27, 2020
In marriage the phrase “with all due respect” is just a nice way of saying “bitch, I got this.”
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) August 28, 2020
I’ve had a horrible headache all day and my husband asked if there was any way he could help. Lol you can come get these kids and fly me to Aruba and arrange for me to get an erotic massage from Chris Evans while Trevor Noah waits his turn tf you mean can you help
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) August 28, 2020
Can you get me something while you’re up?
-Me to my husband even though he’s not up.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 28, 2020
Wife was doing Amazon returns at UPS and the guy recognized her right away, seems returning stuff is one of her hobbies.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) August 19, 2020
“It is not okay to throw toys.”
“Please say excuse me when you burp.”
“We need to calm down, it’s bedtime.”
It’s hard raising a husband.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 19, 2020
I miss how my wife would say “he’s a rescue” whenever I misbehaved at parties.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) August 28, 2020
Every time my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 20, 2020
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) August 27, 2020
Every night my wife wakes me up and whispers the magic words, “You’re sleeping on my pillow, a*shole”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 24, 2020
My husband is remarkably even tempered at all times except during Lakers games, at which point all his darkest thoughts come out
— josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) August 25, 2020
To err is human. To never let you forget that is spouse.
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) August 26, 2020
Of course I laugh at my own jokes, my wife certainly doesn't think they're funny.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) August 18, 2020
Read on for more relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Preview photo credit: ThugRaccoons / twitter.com